I loved God. I loved him deeply, and and Honestly. I loved him in Faith.. But not fully. My love was quite shallow. Flawed. Selfish. My love wasn’t what his heart needed it to be. I was spiritually vulnerable. Uncertain of the depths of certain truths. Prideful. Careless. Wise- but not totally free of the folly.so I barely gave him the chance to teach me, before I allowed another to lure my heart away.
I was about 12 years old when I first “gave” my life to Jesus. I grew up in church, so I had the opportunity at a very early age to know of his existence. I immediately believed he was, because it was all I ever heard. What I didn’t have however, was a true knowledge or understanding of him. All I knew was that he was good, A blesser, And that he created the world and myself. At 12, I never had anyone to help me understand. My church focused mainly on the adults, and sermons I never understood. But in all honesty, I was more concerned about boys than i tried to gain understanding. My years of 13-19 Centered on finding love. The pain rooted from Rejection as a child birthed an avid reader in me from a very early age, and as a believer in fairytales and and romance, I naturally wanted “Prince Charming”. I wanted to grow up with him just like I had read in some of my novels. I wanted the “true love” thing that all those female characters had. I wanted to be treasured. I wanted a love that was unbreakable. I wanted that love story in which my guy only had eyes for me. I wanted the kind of love that was everlasting, the kind that even death couldn’t do part. I craved it. I sought it. I dreamt it. I exalted it. And when it didn’t seem as if I had it. I feigned it. It was still quite a surprise when The hands of my imaginations brought me thieves. Opportunists. false lovers. Assassins. I wasn’t drawn to Christ until i was 20. Until my first heartbreak. Until My first realization that I was lost and needed to be found. Until a desperation surged within me to become a Godly woman. Until there were no more crevices to hide my heart within. Until I was bare. Faced with my lies, and faced with my shame. It was Then, that his truth embraced my brokenness in the printed whispers of Jeremiah 29:13. And He promised to be found if sought. And I did find him. He loved me, and so did I. We danced, we laughed, we lived. He filled me. And cleansed me. I was finally whole, felt what it meant to be truly content with God only. I changed, and I no longer sought distorted versions of love. I spoke differently. I had peace. I forgave easily. Was not easily angered, and my attitude was refined. I gave in quite rapidly. He was number one. I spoke to him first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. He was my everything, and every second of my day was spent in communion with him. I was consumed by him. it wasn’t long, however, before I became complacent within our home. I was unconsciously sharing my heart, And before I knew it, My education became God. Desire for marriage became God. And his plans played second fiddle to my selfish desires, until I slowly chose a fickle relationship, which though masqueraded as his perfect will, was never ordained by him. The cost was greater than i could afford. My strength was spent. my soul oppressed. my identity conflicted. And the greatest battle for my destiny ensued. What i did not allow myself to see was that this relationship was a distraction from the enemy to kill all that had been planted within me. It was a decoy. And i never wanted to see that because this person had been there in the beginning of my journey back to God, as what I thought was a supporter. i thought I had found a my prayer partner. A bible study-Buddy. and frankly genuine friendship, and a future spouse. He was poison, and i was bound by an internal vow to “make it work this time”, So i stayed. beyond my lack of peace (which i convinced myself was just fear), and then beyond his competitive spirit towards me, and then beyond the immense depletion I’d feel each day we conversed. I finally chose myself after 2 years, And When I was awoken to my reality, I hit rock bottom at the realization of what I had consented to. I spiraled into a deep dark tunnel of depression. And suicidal and malicious thoughts became a forefront of my thought pattern. I hated myself. I hated what I had done to myself, what i had allowed, what i had lost. And I blamed God for it all. I blamed him for not being clear enough in his speech and in his visions. For not loving me enough. For not watching me enough. I was bitter. angry. confused. Lost. defeated. My Confidence plummeted immensely, and for the first time in my [introvert] life i felt alone and so forsaken. Truths about “getting back up” bombarded me, but the lies and fear of not being able to, caused me to remain Stuck in a rut of deep regret. The blow of haven failed again in Love, struck me heavily. “How could I allow this to happen to me again” Was all I could think. Nothing within me desired to live, yet something else in the depths of my being would not allow me to die. I approached each morning with dread and undesire to live, and my nights in despair, dressed with a pool of tears. I wasn’t grieving the relationship. I was grieving the loss of myself. I was grieving the lack of true self love. And i grieved heavily, and extensively. In the beginning of my depression, Knowing deep down that God loved me, sustained me, But it wasn’t long before the enemy’s lies drowned this truth from my mind. I felt unloved and Unwanted by God, and would often shut him out because I resented him. He proved I wasn’t forsaken nor unloved when through prayers, set me free as promised. I awoke one day and instead of dread,a pleasant desire to live emerged. By grace, I have since strived to do so. My self confidence was restored, And no longer am I bound by the hefty chains of depression. The road to total recovery hasn’t been the easiest path to tread, but in his being, and despite my playing “Jonah,” Has willed to grant me a second chance. In my tattered gown. With my battered heart. He’s willing to re-excavate the treasure of light within me. He’s willing to allow me to bear his light. To stand on the hill and shine, fully. Never to again be dimmed. Never again to be hidden. And in my heart, has lent me His sweet melodies to belt out my redemption song.